Can you write better than a 5th grader?

Our local paper printed an unsigned editorial the other day. This is just a guess, but I think it must have been Take Your Daughter to Work Day. I think the editor let his 5th grader write it.

The aim of the piece was to encourage citizens to be watchful and report suspicious activity to the proper authorities. I agree. I'd like to report that someone is impersonating a journalist.

A real journalist would not write, "Everyone should contribute to the lowering of crime and in making communities safer. That's why our law enforcement officers need everyone's help." Let's just analyze this bit of wisdom. First, we'll reverse it to check the logic. Law enforcement officers need everyone's help because we should all contribute to the lowering of crime. Doesn't quite make sense to me. Maybe they need our help because they aren't omnipresent, but they don't need our help because we should contribute. We should contribute because they need our help. Second, if we should contribute TO the lowering of crime, why should we contribute IN making our communities safer? Third, I have noticed that elementary students like the "ings" -- "lowering," "making." I like to get rid of the "ings": Everyone should make the effort to lower crime and make our communities safer.

The imposter says, "Criminals start small and if not caught continue to delve deeper into that type of life." Not all criminals do that. Some are so guilt-stricken at their first offence that they never offend again. Some remain petty criminals all their lives - perhaps never stealing more than candy bars. Some criminals start big -- she was such a nice lady except for that time she put rat poison in her husband's morning cocoa, then buried him under the petunias.

Then we are told, "The more eyes on potential crime threats will result in more criminals being caught and a reduction in criminal activity." Huh?

And get this bit of knowledge no one else seems to have, "Someone, perhaps many someones, passed by while the crimes were occurring or looked out their windows to see someone stealing their neighbor's air conditioning unit." Maybe I just don't understand the criminal mind, but I always thought they tried to hide what they were doing. No criminal with a modicum of sense is going to steal an air conditioner when he thinks someone is watching him (unless he's dressed as the a/c repairman, in which case he wouldn't be suspicious, would he?). And I don't know about the writer's neighbors, but mine would surely call 911 if they saw someone taking my things. (However, I used to live in a neighborhood where the neighbors were probably the ones doing the taking).

Another bit of high IQ logic: "Police often ask for the public's help in solving crimes because they need that help in preventing crime." Why would the police ask for the public's help if they didn't need it? A real journalist would have given us the "why" instead of restating the obvious.

For a 5th-grader, this is a very good attempt at writing; but for a professional, it's a crime!