Is time travel possible?

The Paris News featured Elbert Desmond on its senior citizen page last Sunday. Elbert is 76 years old, and the newspaper hailed him as a font of Lamar County history. May I encourage you to be just a little skeptical of his stories? Here's why.

According to Mr. Desmond, his father formed a baseball team when Elbert was 15 years old. They traveled throughout Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Nebraska, and Colorado, playing semi-pro teams. Elbert accompanied the team as the batboy. The baseball tour lasted from June 18 to Sept. 23, 1947, and Desmond said they traveled about 2,500 miles total. Elbert said after the baseball tour ended, he and his father traveled to Houston where they watched the first two baseball games ever played in the Astrodome.

Now, there are several possibilities here.

1. The reporter didn't get the story right.
2. Mr. Desmond is a liar.
3. Mr. Desmond is just a bit senile and forgetful.
4. Mr. Desmond can travel through time.

The Astrodome didn't open until 1965 -- 18 years after Desmond's baseball tour. Obviously possibility number 1 puts the reporter at fault. Possibility numbers 2 and 3 also put the reporter at fault as she did not check out the facts of Mr. Desmond's story. Possibility number 4 really puts the reporter at fault -- if it's true, she completely missed the real story!

"Memories of Paris from days long past." The Paris News; January 4, 2009; p. 4C.

Kwanzaa or Communism?

In an article about the made-up celebration of Kwanzaa, The Dallas Morning News reports that sales of Kwanzaa related items have sky-rocketed this year in the wake of Barack Obama's election. The reporter included the seven principles of Kwanzaa. I find the principles to be contradictory.

One of the principles is self-determination. I don't know what they mean by self-determination, but to me it means working hard, studying hard, and setting personal goals to strive for. If my definition is correct, the next two principles, collective work and responsibility and cooperative economics, are diametrically opposed to it. Collective work and cooperative economics are euphemisms for Communism.

I guess that explains why the Kwanzaaites are particularly elated with the election of Barack "share the wealth" Obama.

"Taking culture to the streets." The Dallas Morning News; December 27, 2008; P. 1B.

New Year Illegitimate Babies

I dread the new year because of the announcements of the first babies born. In the past several years, most of them have been illegitimate -- a word that's never used any more because it's politically incorrect.

The first baby born in Dallas County was born to Kelly Houk. The baby's father is Josh Myers. They may be married, but I doubt it since the mother's name is different from the father's. April Juarez was the first new baby in Fort Worth. Happily, her parents are married -- unhappily, they seem to be in the minority. The first baby born in Collin County may be the first miraculous birth in over 2000 years -- she has a mother, but no mention of a father.

But the one that really takes the cake is the first baby born at Parkland. Justin Daniel Ramirez's mother, Fernanda Rios, is in the eighth grade. She is 15 years old. The child's father is 20 years old. I looked up the Texas law on statutory rape. It says that it is "a sexual assault for anyone to intentionally or knowingly penetrate a person under age 17, other than his spouse. " The father should be arrested. If we start prosecuting for these crimes, we just might see the teen pregnancy rate begin to decline. The authorities might also check the citizenship status of these folks while they're at it!

"Wait a minute ... '09's first baby born in FW." The Dallas Morning News; January 2, 2009; p. 1B.

Another National Crisis Averted!

With Israel and Hamas going at it, with our economy in the tank, with natural disasters abounding, we have another crisis!

On the social scene in Washington ladies are facing the "horror of turning up for an inaugural ball wearing the same dress as another guest." Do not fear, however, for Andrew Jones has a solution. His website, www.dressregistry.com, allows ball goers to register their gowns with the color, length, designer, neckline description, and other distinguishing characteristics.

The problem with Andrew's idea is that most women want to make a grand entrance in their dresses, and they certainly are not going to spoil the surprise by posting on his website. I can forsee, though, that with a crisis of this magnitude, Congress will soon mandate that dresses must be registered. Oh, and as long as we're requiring registration, let's just charge a fee for it as well! Thank Congress for another crisis averted!

Paris News funny for the day: This caption appeared on a page 5 photo in the December 31, 2008, edition -- "Models grace the stage of the Paris Community Theatre Saturday during 'A Grand Affair,' the spring fashion show benefiting the Grand Theater marquee sign restoration." Must be global warming -- the vernal equinox seems to have come about three months early this year.

"Dress duplication? Try gown registry." The Dallas Morning News; January 2, 2009; p. 10A.

Once is enough!

The publisher of The Paris News makes it a point to let us know that he finds it difficult to write 52 editorial columns each year. That's pretty obvious. His column in the January 1 edition rehashed the columns he had written from January through June of 2008. He promises that his next column will be the same for the columns written from July through December. I may be mistaken, but I believe somewhere about the middle of last year, he also had a column telling us about the previous columns he had written. At the end of 2009, will he tell us that he wrote columns in January telling us what he wrote in 2008? You know the effect you get when you see a mirror reflected in a mirror? You see the scene repeated into infinity. Reminds me of his columns. When you have to resort to writing columns about your columns, maybe you should just quit writing. With these columns, once is more than enough!

Paris News funny for the day: December 31, 2008, front page headline -- "Official offices close for the holiday." Is that opposed to unofficial offices closing for the holiday?

"2008 columns touched on a variety of topics." The Paris News; January 1, 2009; p. 4.

Who's responsible?

Jamie Schield, co-chair of the Texas HIV/STD Prevention Planning Group, says one of the big reasons for the high rate of HIV, STDs, and unplanned pregnancies in Dallas County is that the County does not distribute free condoms. I disagree. The main reason for a high HIV, STD, and unplanned pregnancy rate is people having promiscuous sex. If they're too poor to go buy a pack of condoms, they should be concentrating on something besides lust!

Paris News funny for the day -- front page photo in yesterday's paper was of two children playing on a "jungle-jim." Do you think their proof readers work out at the jimnasium?

"Thanks for condom debate." The Dallas Morning News; December 30, 2008; p. 12A.

Get a clue!

Steven M. Hanes of Garland is concerned. He and his "partner" went to see the movie Milk. He's upset because there was "an absence of openly gay actors in any of the leading roles." He says Hollywood should get a clue.

If I get Mr. Hanes gripe correctly, he wants gay actors to portray gay roles. I bet Mr. Hanes wouldn't like the shoe on the other foot, though. I bet he wouldn't like it if only straight actors could portray straight roles. I think he would call that discrimination.

I do find myself agreeing with him on one thing. The very few G-rated films that come out each year are usually box-office hits. Hollywood should get a clue!

"Why no gay actors?" The Dallas Morning News; December 30, 2008; p. 12A.