When they pry it from my cold dead . . . well, you know.

They've come after our SUV's, our toilets that flush right, our incandescent bulbs, and our grocery bags. But now those eco-nuts have gone too far! They've started on the campaign to outlaw my Angel Soft! Greenpeace has issued a national guide that rates toilet tissue brands on their "environmental soundness." They advocate people switching to recycled brands. The problem with that is the recycled brands are about as gentle on the posterior as the old Sears catalog. Dr. Allen Hershkowitz says, "No forest of any kind should be used to make toilet paper." You wipe with what you want, Allen, but you'll only get my Angel Soft when you pry it from my cold dead . . .

"Will economy in the toilet flush fluffy TP?" The Dallas Morning News; February 26, 2008; p. 11A.